


An Ink Black Magic

by misura



Category: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Genre: Implied Relationships, Multi, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 07:51:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4171836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Look, I'm just trying to make some money," Ben said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Ink Black Magic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kef](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kef/gifts).



> if Hansel/Gretel squicks you, you should probably give this one a miss. it's not the main pairing (inasfar as this fic even has any pairings) but it gets a mention and not in a 'never in a million years' kind of way.
> 
> written by way of a treat.

_This Month:_

_'DIY: How to Construct Your Very Own Astrological Charts! You, Too, Can Read the Stars!'_

_'Are You Dating a Witch? Take the Quiz and Find Out! (Spoiler: She's Just Not That Into You, Dude - Take a Hint and Move on Already!)'_

_'The Ten Best Gingerbread Recipes ... Without Sugar!'_

_'Is Your Boyfriend An Idiot Who Suspects You of Witchcraft? Watch Him Take the Quiz and Find Out! Then Dump Him - And We Mean Today!'_

_and finally:_

_'Every Witch Way But North, Part XXIV: The Blackest Hearts in the Balkan - the Continuing Adventures of Hansel and Gretel, by An Anonymous Admirer and Long-Time Fan'_

_In Stores Now! Get it While It's Hot!_

*

"That's you, right?" Hansel asked. He didn't think he was ever going to eat gingerbread in his life ever again, but he supposed he should appreciate the effort.

"It says 'anonymous'," said Ben, quickly. "Really, it could be anyone."

Hansel turned to stare broodingly at the shop into which Gretel and Edward had disappeared a good fifteen minutes ago now. "So you're saying it's Edward?"

"Look, I'm just trying to make some money," Ben said.

Hansel nodded slowly. "So you're saying it's you?"

Ben took a deep breath. "Yes."

Hansel considered. There _had_ been some stuff in last month's catalog he'd been itching to get his hands on. Plus, a man could never have too many explosive crossbow rounds. "How much money?"

*

_'Looking for boots you can kick a witch's ass in? Look no further! 17 Karlstrasse, Berlin - ask for our special witch hunter discounts!'_

*

"I'm not sure about this," Gretel said, frowning. "I mean, don't you think it's just a little bit - "

"Free boots for the rest of our lives?" Hansel shrugged. "I don't see a downside here. Besides, where else are we going to find a guy willing to customize some shoewear for Big and Ugly here?"

Edward blinked at him a little bit reproachfully.

"He's not ugly," Gretel said, which was fine - everyone was entitled to their own opinion, after all, except that then she added, "You're just jealous," which was ... definitely not fine. Or even true.

"What the fuck's he got I could be jealous of, huh? It's not like the two of you are - "

Gretel cleared her throat.

" - best friends," Hansel finished smoothly. "He's a troll, you're a witch, he lives to serve you. Cool. I've got no problem with that."

"Yeah," Gretel said. "And anyway, you like Ben, don't you?"

Ben opened his mouth and closed it again. Hansel wondered why nobody had invented a way to kill another person by glaring at them yet. "What's that supposed to mean? I _like_ Ben?"

"Oh, don't pretend you don't know. Almost freezing to death in an igloo, reluctantly deciding to share a blanket - ring any bells? I _thought_ you looked sort of flushed when we found you."

"I don't - "

"Issue eleven," Gretel said. "Idiot."

*

_'Gorschwald Beer: the best brew to relax with after a hard day's work of hunting down witches or just a long day at the office. 0% alcohol, 100% taste.'_

*

"They're just, you know, stories," Ben said.

"You mean you made them up." Hansel didn't think he approved of that.

"Well," said Ben. "Yeah."

Hansel didn't think he approved of that _at all_. On the other hand: "Anything with Gretel in it?"

"Er."

*

_Sweet Surrender: a Sizzling Story Starring Everyone's Favorite Witch Hunter (Not For Kids!)_

*

"I think we should kill him," Hansel said. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the kid, but come on."

"What happened to free boots?" Gretel asked, stretching. She'd always been able to take him in a fight, which was just one of the many things Hansel loved about her.

"The ones we got are probably good for another couple of years. Barring accidents."

Gretel arched an eyebrow at him. "Free beer?"

Hansel snorted. "More like beer you should be paying people to drink."

Gretel's lips twisted in a smile. "Fair enough."

"And I don't mean kill as in, well, kill," Hansel said. "Just, you know, get rid of him. Edward can stay, " he added, feeling generous. Magnanimous. "Edward's pretty handy to have around."

"So was that story in issue fifteen actually true?"

"No," Hansel said. "I mean, I'm not a witch, am I? No such thing as a male witch."

"Two years ago, you'd have said there was no such thing as a White Witch, either."

Hansel tried to imagine being a witch. A _good_ witch. Not allowed to use his magic to actually do anything to people who so richly deserved having things done to them.

"Well, you live and learn."

"Or you don't learn and you die," said Gretel. "I mean, that's the alternative, right?"

"Right," Hansel said. Not entirely sure what he was agreeing to.

*

_Are you a White Witch, and are your neighbors giving you the stink eye? Contact us. We'll come by and straighten 'em out. No charge._

*

"Circulation's going to plummet, I just know it." Ben sighed. "Ah well, it was good while it lasted."

"This month's issue should still sell," Hansel said.

Gretel nodded. "Yeah. And even if only _one_ actual White Witch contacts us, it'll have been worth it."

"So does that mean we're cool?" Ben asked. "No hard feelings?"

Hansel looked at Gretel. Gretel looked back, expression blank. Great. Up to him, then.

"Let's see how well you're doing at protecting people instead of shooting them, first, huh?"

It'd be different, Hansel thought. Very different, assuming this whole 'protecting White Witches against the fucking idiots who can't tell the difference between good and bad' thing actually took off.

Oh well. Plenty of time to worry about that when it happened.

In the meantime, Hansel figured he might try and write some cute, not-for-kids stories of his own.


End file.
